Supermarket Stories: Super Bowl Syndrome

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I’m on my second break at the food store. Why two breaks you ask? Because three employees called out and I agreed to stay an extra two hours. Since I’m working eight hours, I get a second 15-minute break, which I’m spending eating strawberry yogurt, mixed with a crunched up Oreo, and blogging.

In case you’re unaware, tomorrow is the Super Bowl. Consequently, I’ve been hit with endless waves of customers, all of whom are spending between $200-$300 on an absurd amount of groceries for Super Bowl parties.

I just got called back to the front. To be continued…

And I’m back. Clearly 15 minutes isn’t enough time to eat a snack and blog. Anyway, where was I? That’s right, hordes of customers buying Doritos, soda and pigs in a blanket.

The rest of my shift was just as insane as the first half. The good news is I didn’t have any difficult or rude customers. But I shouldn’t speak too soon; I’m back at the supermarket for a six-hour shift right before the big game on Sunday. God help me.

Supermarket Stories: Jack Daniels

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Jack DanielsAlmost all of my shifts at the supermarket are six hours. To kill the time I regularly engage customers in conversations about a variety of subjects – music, dating, the stock market, and, sometimes, food. Doing so has helped me gain a reputation for being one of the nicest cashiers at the store. Besides praising me for being good at my job, some customers – both male and female – will compliment me on my looks. This doesn’t bother me in the least. I’m grateful that people of different ages, races and sexes find me attractive. On a crappy day, having some old lady tell me I look “like a movie star” makes me feel like a million bucks. However, when customers cross the line, it can get creepy.

One night, several years ago, I was in the express lane ringing up countless customers. My line stretched all the way to Egypt, and I was doing my best to get them in and out as quickly as possible. Even though I get paid by the hour, and not per customer, I still take pride in being efficient and establishing a quick, rhythmic pace. This results in me getting lost in the moment and time slipping away like grains of sand.

After the rush of customers had gone home to have dinner, I let out a sigh of relief and took a swig of water. When my eyes landed on my next customer, I instantly recognized him; he lived in the neighborhood and, based on the scrubs he always wore, worked at a hospital. We’d never spoken outside the store and I didn’t know his name, but I still “knew” him. However, this time he was accompanied by another man, whom I didn’t know.

After placing his items on the conveyor belt, I greeted him and he drunkenly slurred, “Hello handsome.” His friend, who I quickly deduced was his partner, yelled at him: “Jack, stop that!” Jack continued by saying, “I’ve seen you outside the store. You look good in regular clothes.” Needless to say, I was mortified. This customer was drunk and hitting on me, in front of his boyfriend no less – who kept yelling “Jack!” every time he said something inappropriate. All I could do was say, “Do you have your savings card?” and get him out of my line as quickly as possible.

After he left, I never saw Jack at the supermarket or in the neighborhood again. Either he and his partner broke up and he moved away or his partner killed him; I’m not sure. I’m just thankful there wasn’t a sequel to that incredibly awkward experience. One encounter with Jack “Daniels” was more than enough for me.

Review: Louis C.K. Live

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Tonight I saw Louis C.K. live for the first time, and he was great. As many of you know, George Carlin is my all-time favorite comedian. He is quickly followed by Lewis Black, and Louis C.K. is right up there. If his career continues on this trajectory, Louis C.K. will be considered a comedic legend in 40 years.

Tonight was night two of three sold-out shows in Philadelphia. Unless you’re Jerry Seinfeld, whose humor puts me to sleep, selling out more than one night in a row is unheard of in stand-up comedy. While the crowd was fairly diverse, a large portion of it consisted of young people. Similar to George Carlin, Louis C.K. seems to strike a cord with the youth of America. Perhaps it’s the irreverent humor or his self-deprecating personality. The only thing that’s certain is he’s got a winning formula.

I won’t reveal any of the jokes he told during the show, because you should see Louis C.K. live for yourself. If you can’t, you’ll be glad to know that he’s having several of the shows in February recorded for an upcoming HBO special. That said, I can reveal that he touched on a variety of subjects including: pedophilia, aging, food allergies, and patriotism. Needless to say, he infused all of these topics, and more, with witty observations and a twisted sense of humor.

If you get a chance to see Louis C.K. on this tour, do so. He’s charging only $45 for every ticket (including fees and taxes), regardless of where you sit. For your money you get two compelling hours of comedy you won’t soon forget.

Louis CK: Turning 40

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Here’s a funny clip of comedian Louis CK’s thoughts on turning 40.

Movie Review: Bernie

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I just watched Bernie, a dark comedy starring Jack Black, Shirley MacLaine and Matthew McConaughey. Based on true events, the film focuses on the relationship between the lovable Bernie Tiede, played by Black, and the grumpy 80-year-old millionaire, Majorie Nugent, played by Shirley MacLaine.

Since first taking notice of Jack Black in High Fidelity, I’ve been a big fan of his work, on and off the screen. In Bernie, he takes his acting ability to another level and melds his music and thespian talents like never before. In addition to being both funny and believably dramatic, Black sings several times in the film, providing his formidable voice with the opportunity to shine.

While Jack Black stole the show, the other actors in the film did a wonderful job of drawing me into the film’s premise. Shirley MacLaine was delightfully obstinate and grouchy, and Matthew McConaughey, while unremarkable, served well in his role too.

I went into Bernie not knowing what to expect, and I left it feeling completely satisfied. It was time well spent and it deserves your attention. To whet your appetite, below is the official synopsis and trailer.

Synopsis

In the tiny, rural town of Carthage, TX, assistant funeral director Bernie Tiede was one of the town’s most beloved residents. He taught Sunday school, sang in the church choir and was always willing to lend a helping hand. Everyone loved and appreciated Bernie, so it came as no surprise when he befriended Marjorie Nugent, an affluent widow who was as well known for her sour attitude as her fortune. Bernie frequently traveled with Marjorie and even managed her banking affairs. Marjorie quickly became fully dependent on Bernie and his generosity and Bernie struggled to meet her increasing demands. Bernie continued to handle her affairs, and the townspeople went months without seeing Marjorie. The people of Carthage were shocked when it was reported that Marjorie Nugent had been dead for some time, and Bernie Tiede was being charged with the murder.

A Few Of My Favorite Things

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2012 was a great year and now that it’s coming to a close, here are a few of my favorite things.

Kindle Fire HD & Kindle Paperwhite

Having spent countless hours with my Amazon Kindle Fire HD and Kindle Paperwhite, I can easily say these are two of my favorite things to come out of 2012. If you’re a lover of books and entertainment, I highly recommend you check them out.

 

Joe Cocker – Hard Knocks

This year I’ve incessantly listened to Joe Cocker’s Hard Knocks. It’s an infectious, modern pop/rock album that is filled with beautiful, memorable music.

 

Ken Follet – The Pillars of the Earth

Yes, this book didn’t come out in 2012. But it is still one of my favorite things because I didn’t read it until this year. The Pillars of the Earth is a terrific book and the miniseries wasn’t too bad either.

 

The Dark Knight Rises

This year saw the Dark Knight Trilogy come to an end with The Dark Knight Rises. It was my second favorite film in the series, with Batman Begins being the first, and it brought this masterfully executed trilogy to a satisfying conclusion. If you haven’t seen it yet, I recommend you do; it’s a great film from start to finish.

 

Parks and Recreation

My new favorite TV comedy is Parks and Recreation. I’ve been catching up with it on Amazon Prime Instant Video, and it’s amazing. It starts off slow, but continues to build into an addictive show where you love nearly all the characters for their own quirky traits. There’s crude humor, wild stories and ridiculous one-liners. I’m on season three, and it keeps getting better with each episode.

 

Barry Manilow – My Favorite Things

What would a list of my favorite things be without Barry Manilow? Considering it’s the holiday season, I feel the following video is a fitting way to cap things off.

John Lithgow: 3rd Rock From The Sun

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John Lithgow is one of my favorite actors, and I’m currently enjoying listening to the audiobook version of his autobiography, Drama: An Actor’s Education. Whether he was playing a serious Shakespearian role or a hilarious goof, Lithgow’s versatility as an actor garnered him numerous awards and fans over the years.

Below are two videos: One is a fan-made compilation of some of Lithgow’s best work on 3rd Rock from the Sun, and the other is an interview about the aforementioned autobiography.

Louis CK Honors George Carlin

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Louis CK is one of the best comedians around, so it’s no surprise that he was heavily influenced by the late, great George Carlin. Below is Louis CK’s touching thoughts on Carlin, which he shared during a tribute to the comedic legend in March 2010.

The Golden Girls: Dorothy’s Cupcakes

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The Golden Girls is my all-time favorite sitcom, and the following video showcases why it was such a brilliant show. Enjoy!

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Supermarket Stories: Hair Piece Harry

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There’s an old man that comes into the supermarket on a regular basis, and his most distinguishing feature has been his awful-looking toupee. That is until today, when he came through my line wearing uncomfortably tight, hot pink jeans. It was disturbing. Unfortunately, Hair Piece Harry’s personality is just as bad as his “taste” in fashion. He has a grumpy demeanor and barely speaks. When he does utter a word, it’s usually nonsensical and barely audible. You’ve been warned: If you see an older man walking down the streets of Philadelphia with a toupee that would offend Donald Trump and jeans that are definitely not pretty in pink, head the other way.