Supermarket Stories: Mr. Quarters

Mr. QuartersToday was a typical Sunday at the supermarket: insanely busy. However, I was quick to get people in and out of my line. When the lines are long, the only thing to do is keep my head down and establish the highest level of efficiency possible. From time to time, problems will occur that throw off my alacrity.

The first problem during my shift was a man with a bad check. Having encountered these kinds of situations before, I knew what warning signs to look for. Once I saw that his personal check was in the name of a “business” and that his shoddy-looking state ID expired two years ago, I quickly told him we couldn’t accept his check and he was on his way.

In addition to personal checks, which I despise, people pay for groceries in a variety of uncommon ways. Sometimes I get customers that pay with two-dollar bills, silver dollars or travelers’ checks. Occasionally, people will pay with change, which isn’t a big deal as long as the total is less than five dollars.

Unfortunately, halfway through my shift, I rang up a customer who didn’t get the memo on how much change is acceptable for a grocery bill. After telling him the bill was $14.50, he said, “I’m paying with quarters today,” and dumped a massive amount of silver coins on my conveyor belt.

As I started to count the change, I looked at my line of customers, which was bending into oblivion, and apologized for the delay. I then proceeded to count the change. But as I was counting, he added news coins to the pile and threw me off completely, so I had to start again. And while I was doing this, his moronic friend – who should have been bagging the groceries – was filling him in on all the celebrity gossip from a magazine he wasn’t even going to buy. Once the counting was complete, I realized Mr. Quarters gave me two too many, so I gave them back to him with his receipt.

If you think paying for groceries with an excessive amount of change is acceptable, it’s not. Mr. Quarters could have simply visited the bank, which is directly across the street from the grocery store, and turned his sea of quarters into dollar bills, or he could have done the same thing at customer service. Please take this story to heart. Not only will it help you avoid the derision of others, but not carrying around several pounds of metal will also significantly lighten your load.

Supermarket Stories: Super Bowl Syndrome

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I’m on my second break at the food store. Why two breaks you ask? Because three employees called out and I agreed to stay an extra two hours. Since I’m working eight hours, I get a second 15-minute break, which I’m spending eating strawberry yogurt, mixed with a crunched up Oreo, and blogging.

In case you’re unaware, tomorrow is the Super Bowl. Consequently, I’ve been hit with endless waves of customers, all of whom are spending between $200-$300 on an absurd amount of groceries for Super Bowl parties.

I just got called back to the front. To be continued…

And I’m back. Clearly 15 minutes isn’t enough time to eat a snack and blog. Anyway, where was I? That’s right, hordes of customers buying Doritos, soda and pigs in a blanket.

The rest of my shift was just as insane as the first half. The good news is I didn’t have any difficult or rude customers. But I shouldn’t speak too soon; I’m back at the supermarket for a six-hour shift right before the big game on Sunday. God help me.

Supermarket Stories: Jack Daniels

Jack DanielsAlmost all of my shifts at the supermarket are six hours. To kill the time I regularly engage customers in conversations about a variety of subjects – music, dating, the stock market, and, sometimes, food. Doing so has helped me gain a reputation for being one of the nicest cashiers at the store. Besides praising me for being good at my job, some customers – both male and female – will compliment me on my looks. This doesn’t bother me in the least. I’m grateful that people of different ages, races and sexes find me attractive. On a crappy day, having some old lady tell me I look “like a movie star” makes me feel like a million bucks. However, when customers cross the line, it can get creepy.

One night, several years ago, I was in the express lane ringing up countless customers. My line stretched all the way to Egypt, and I was doing my best to get them in and out as quickly as possible. Even though I get paid by the hour, and not per customer, I still take pride in being efficient and establishing a quick, rhythmic pace. This results in me getting lost in the moment and time slipping away like grains of sand.

After the rush of customers had gone home to have dinner, I let out a sigh of relief and took a swig of water. When my eyes landed on my next customer, I instantly recognized him; he lived in the neighborhood and, based on the scrubs he always wore, worked at a hospital. We’d never spoken outside the store and I didn’t know his name, but I still “knew” him. However, this time he was accompanied by another man, whom I didn’t know.

After placing his items on the conveyor belt, I greeted him and he drunkenly slurred, “Hello handsome.” His friend, who I quickly deduced was his partner, yelled at him: “Jack, stop that!” Jack continued by saying, “I’ve seen you outside the store. You look good in regular clothes.” Needless to say, I was mortified. This customer was drunk and hitting on me, in front of his boyfriend no less – who kept yelling “Jack!” every time he said something inappropriate. All I could do was say, “Do you have your savings card?” and get him out of my line as quickly as possible.

After he left, I never saw Jack at the supermarket or in the neighborhood again. Either he and his partner broke up and he moved away or his partner killed him; I’m not sure. I’m just thankful there wasn’t a sequel to that incredibly awkward experience. One encounter with Jack “Daniels” was more than enough for me.

Louis CK: Turning 40

Here’s a funny clip of comedian Louis CK’s thoughts on turning 40.

Supermarket Stories: Rubber Band Man

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This past weekend I rang up one of the strangest customers I’ve encountered during my time at the supermarket. For the purpose of this post, let’s call him “Rubber Band Man.”

Sunday is typically the worst day to work at the supermarket because it’s when most people take care of chores such as cleaning, cooking and shopping. Considering shopping and cooking go hand in hand, the odds are against me every Sunday.

After working for several hours and ringing up what felt like hundreds of customers, I was hoping the end of my shift would be relaxing and free of crazy customers. To my dismay, Rubber Band Man foiled my plans.

The first thing I noticed about this curious individual was that he was sweating profusely. Beads of sweat the size of raindrops were all over his face. This was startling because it wasn’t hot outside or inside the store, and what made it more disturbing was they just hung there, not moving.

Once his items were rung up, I told him the total and he pulled out a money clip secured with at least 10 rubber bands. Then, he reached into his pocket full of dirty, wrinkled plastic bags and pulled out a blue one wrapped in – what else – rubber bands. After purposefully removing each rubber band from the bag, he pulled out four dollars. Considering his bill was $3.75, this was his lucky day.

While this plastic bag and rubber band show was going on, a woman that works in the meat department got into my line and gave me a frightened look after observing this poor, rubber-banded soul. The good news is, other than shocking me with his copious amounts of sweat, rubber bands and plastic bags, Rubber Band Man was harmless. I’ve never seen him before, and I have a feeling that I’ll never see him again.

Thanksgiving: Count Your Blessings

While we should always be thankful for what we have and those that love us, now is the perfect time to reflect on this. With this in mind, I wanted to share with you one of my favorite songs: “Count Your Blessings.” Below are the lyrics and a video of Barry Manilow’s beautiful rendition of the song. Happy Thanksgiving!

Count Your Blessings

When I’m worried and I can’t sleep
I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
When my bankroll is getting small
I think of when I had none at all
And I fall asleep counting my blessings

I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads
Then one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds
So if you’re worried and you can’t sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you’ll fall asleep counting your blessings

And I fall asleep counting my blessings

I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads
Then one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds
So if you’re worried and you can’t sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you’ll fall asleep counting your blessings

Supermarket Stories: Hair Piece Harry

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There’s an old man that comes into the supermarket on a regular basis, and his most distinguishing feature has been his awful-looking toupee. That is until today, when he came through my line wearing uncomfortably tight, hot pink jeans. It was disturbing. Unfortunately, Hair Piece Harry’s personality is just as bad as his “taste” in fashion. He has a grumpy demeanor and barely speaks. When he does utter a word, it’s usually nonsensical and barely audible. You’ve been warned: If you see an older man walking down the streets of Philadelphia with a toupee that would offend Donald Trump and jeans that are definitely not pretty in pink, head the other way.

George Carlin On Cats

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George Carlin’s third HBO special, Carlin at Carnegie, featured an excellent bit about cats. For anyone that’s interacted with these cute creatures on a regular basis, the following clip will make you nod in agreement as well as laugh out loud. Enjoy!

Supermarket Stories: Meat Loaf

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There’s one customer that’s been regularly coming through my line at the supermarket for the past 11 years who I’ll never forget. Let’s call her Meat Loaf. Why Meat Loaf, you ask? Why would I besmirch this legendary rocker’s good name by comparing him to one of my certifiably insane customers? Well, one day I was talking with a manager about her and he said, “Oh yeah, I know who you mean. She looks like Meat Loaf on a bad day.” Needless to say, the phrase “bat out of hell” has taken on a whole new meaning for me. So what makes Ms. Loaf so crazy? Read on my inquisitive friend.

The first time I met this woman she told me that I looked like her son, who was taken away from her by Children and Youth Services. Then she proceeded to hit on me by saying in her gravely Joe Cocker-esque voice, “Do you have girlfriend, honey? When it comes to me, you can look but you can’t touch. Ha, ha, ha!” After being disturbed and feeling violated, I did my best to get her out of my line as quickly as possible.

Since this first meeting, I’ve run into her many times inside and outside the store. I’ve had the misfortune of bumping into her twice while on a date. The first time we made eye contact and she said, “Look at you! Reeled in another one, huh? Ha, ha, ha!” The second time she yelled at me and my date from across the street, “She’s a hottie! You better hold onto her.” The most embarrassing part is trying to explain to my date just exactly who she is. Lord knows I don’t want them thinking I had a romantic history with this woman.

Nowadays, this customer has aged dramatically. She has fewer teeth, deeper lines on her face and her hair is tattered. Meat Loaf’s excessive “recreational” activities haven’t served her well, and it’s a shame. The good news is, her son is in college and doing well – or at least that’s what she tells me. While I love Meat Loaf as a performer and an entree, I’ll pass on Meat Loaf the customer.

Hurricane Hysteria

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This weekend I’m working more than 16 hours at the supermarket. With a hurricane set to hit the East Coast, it has been one of the busiest weekends I’ve ever experienced. Today I rang up nearly 500 customers, and all of them bought a ton of juice, eggs, bread, pasta, batteries, and, of course, water. Earlier in the week, I rang up a married couple and the wife turned and said to her husband, “I’m scared babe. I think we should buy extra water.” As evidenced by the photo above, we sold almost all of the water in the store. Clearly, the general public shares the aforementioned woman’s fear that the local water supply will be crippled by the storm.

I find this kind of behavior comical for several reasons. First of all, if the electricity goes out, all the food people bought will go bad because their refrigerators won’t work. And buying an obscene amount of water seems silly. We live in Philadelphia, not the Sahara. Water is plentiful and easy to come by. Last time I checked, all local homes – with plumbing – have clean, fresh water available on demand.

If you live on the East Coast, your best bet is to steer clear of supermarkets, avoid local TV news and enjoy a good book and/or movie at home. If you don’t become consumed by the hysteria, you’ll quickly realize that this hurricane will eventually move on, and so will we.