There’s one customer that’s been regularly coming through my line at the supermarket for the past 11 years who I’ll never forget. Let’s call her Meat Loaf. Why Meat Loaf, you ask? Why would I besmirch this legendary rocker’s good name by comparing him to one of my certifiably insane customers? Well, one day I was talking with a manager about her and he said, “Oh yeah, I know who you mean. She looks like Meat Loaf on a bad day.” Needless to say, the phrase “bat out of hell” has taken on a whole new meaning for me. So what makes Ms. Loaf so crazy? Read on my inquisitive friend.

The first time I met this woman she told me that I looked like her son, who was taken away from her by Children and Youth Services. Then she proceeded to hit on me by saying in her gravely Joe Cocker-esque voice, “Do you have girlfriend, honey? When it comes to me, you can look but you can’t touch. Ha, ha, ha!” After being disturbed and feeling violated, I did my best to get her out of my line as quickly as possible.

Since this first meeting, I’ve run into her many times inside and outside the store. I’ve had the misfortune of bumping into her twice while on a date. The first time we made eye contact and she said, “Look at you! Reeled in another one, huh? Ha, ha, ha!” The second time she yelled at me and my date from across the street, “She’s a hottie! You better hold onto her.” The most embarrassing part is trying to explain to my date just exactly who she is. Lord knows I don’t want them thinking I had a romantic history with this woman.

Nowadays, this customer has aged dramatically. She has fewer teeth, deeper lines on her face and her hair is tattered. Meat Loaf’s excessive “recreational” activities haven’t served her well, and it’s a shame. The good news is, her son is in college and doing well – or at least that’s what she tells me. While I love Meat Loaf as a performer and an entree, I’ll pass on Meat Loaf the customer.