Michael Cavacini

An award-winning arts and culture blog.

Archive for the category “Family”

Hugs, Kisses & Warm Meals

This past Wednesday night, my family’s shore house in Ocean City, NJ, burnt down. The house was built 50 years ago when my Grandfather purchased the land and, since then, it’s been a place for four generations of family members to come together. While a bigger and better house will rise from its ashes, having it taken away from us in such a horrific and involuntary way is shocking and upsetting.

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Tears For A Good Father – Harlan Coben

Below is a great article by my favorite author, Harlan Coben, that appeared in Parade in 2010. Happy Father’s Day!

Harlan Coben at 7, with his father, Carl Gerald Coben, 40, in 1969.

Harlan Coben at 7, with his father, Carl Gerald Coben, 40, in 1969.

This may seem like a sad story, but it’s not.

“I found this upstairs.” My 16-year-old daughter Charlotte, the oldest of my four kids, enters the kitchen and hands me the 40-year-old photograph. “Is that you?”

“Yep,” I say. “I had hair once.”

It is a picture of my father and me standing on the front lawn at our house in Livingston, N.J. I look at my father in this photograph. My mom used to say that he was a dead ringer for Victor Mature, Dean Martin (“If only your father would get his teeth fixed”), and, mostly, Jerry Orbach. He was a big man, and in this photograph, with his smile wide, he looks strong and confident. I don’t remember the picture being taken. I wish I did, because I look pretty darned happy snuggled against him.

Then, without warning—still holding the old photograph, Charlotte by my shoulder—I burst into tears. I don’t mean well up or sniffle or feel tears running down my face or even cry. I mean head-down, body-wracking sobs. My daughter backs away for a moment, probably scared. I don’t think she has seen me cry before. Come to think of it, I don’t think I ever saw my father cry either.

I flash to the little things about him. The polyester double-knit shorts that were always too snug, like he was competing at Wimbledon in 1978. The too-big sunglasses that looked like he might have stolen them from Sophia Loren. I remember when he tried a fanny pack (that was a big no), the smell of his Old Spice, the way he steered the car with his wrists and whistled off-key, the AM news station playing in the steamed bathroom when he shaved, the white tube socks pulled up too high, the CB radio he loved for maybe four months. I remember how bad he was with tools and how that still didn’t stop him from taking on home projects best left to professionals or how every Sunday he would walk to Livingston Bagel or take me to Seymour’s Luncheonette for a milkshake and a pack of baseball cards. And I remember the way his cheek felt when I kissed him hello or goodbye, as I always did, no matter who was around, because that’s what we did.

I look at the 40-year-old photograph and see him so young, but of course he would never have a chance to grow old. I remember buying him an oversize Father’s Day card in 1988. For some odd reason, I bought it early. It was sitting near me when my mother called to tell me that my father had just called from his hotel room in Florida. He was there on business, and he felt chest pains. When I get him on the line, he puts on a brave front and tells me not to worry, he is fine.

That would be the last time I ever talked to him.

So what lessons did I learn when he died of a heart attack at 59? Unfortunately, the great insights are often the great clichés: Life goes by fast, don’t waste a moment, tell the ones you love how you feel, show affection every chance you get—because I would give anything to kiss that cheek just one more time.

I am still gripping the photograph and sobbing. I should make myself stop, but this feels, if not good, right. It’s been too long. My daughter, not sure what to do, tentatively approaches. She puts her arms around my shoulders and tries to quiet me.

“I know you miss him,” she says to me.

And I do. Still. Every day.

Wait. Didn’t I say this wasn’t a sad story?

So here’s the uplifting part: It’s okay to feel this pain. In fact, when you’ve been as lucky as I was in the father department, it would be an outrage not to cry. You can’t have an up without a down, a right without a left, a back without a front—or a happy without a sad. This is the price you pay for having a great father. You get the wonder, the joy, the tender moments—and you get the tears at the end, too.

My father, Carl Gerald Coben, is worth the tears. I hope that one day, to my children, I’ll be worth them, too. And if your father is worth them, let him know.

As the old proverb says, “When a father gives to his son, they both laugh. When a son gives to his father, they both cry.”

Happy Father’s Day, everyone.

 

The original version of this story can be found here.

Be Aware

The holidays provide us with the time to reflect and be grateful for what and who we have. With this in mind, below are the beautiful lyrics to the Bacharach and David song “Be Aware.”

Be Aware

When the sun is warm where you are, and it’s comfortable and safe where you are, well it’s not exactly that way all over.

And somewhere in the world, someone is cold, be aware.

And while you’re feeling young, someone is old, be aware.

And while your stomach is full, somewhere in this world, someone is hungry.

When there is so much, should anyone be hungry?

When there’s laughter all around me and my family embraces surround me, if I seem to be forgetful, remind me.

That somewhere in the world, people are weak, be aware.

And while you speak your mind, others can’t speak, be aware.

And while your children sleep, somewhere in this world, a child is homeless.

When we have so much, should any child be homeless? Homeless?

No, not even one child! Be aware.

Christmas Day

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The barren streets are filled with snow.

The aroma of pines, wines and homemade treats hang in the air.

Through frosted panes of glass, lights are gleaming and hearts are beaming.

One and all come together to spread love and good cheer.

Gifts are given, tales are told, while memories are created between young and old.

My Christmas Tradition

Santa

Christmas is my Dad’s favorite time of the year, and it’s mine too. Like many parents, he loves to reminisce about the days when I was a little, chubby child sitting on Santa’s lap. Clearly, I’ve changed quite a bit since then; I’m taller, thinner and, of course, older. However, to keep the spirit alive, I still get my photo taken with Santa every year and give it to my Dad. It still brings a smile to his face and a tear to his eye. I may be older, but in his eyes, I’m still his “baby.”

Santa Photo

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